


Addict

by Communist_jones



Category: Daredevil (TV)
Genre: Angst, Catholic Guilt, Character Study, F/M, Gen, Guilt, Masochism, Multi, Other, Out of Character, Pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-08
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:28:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24069631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Communist_jones/pseuds/Communist_jones
Summary: If guilt were a color it would be red.
Kudos: 7





	Addict

**Author's Note:**

> Matt be like... it all began at my birth....
> 
> So this is only my second fan fiction and its super short. I had no beta and definitely didn't even read through it so have fun with that. This is a sort of character analysis piece if Matt was super out of character and threw himself a pity party every night. Anyway enjoy!

Most people would think that if guilt was a color then it would be blue, a cold empty blue. However Matthew Murdock disagrees with these people. People who think guilt is feeling empty have, in Matt's mind, never really had any real thing to feel guilty about. Matt would say that guilt was the color red. Matt could attest to the way that guilt made you feel, he was practically the poster boy for guilt. If the catholic church was thinking about doing more marketing on the subject Matt could be a pin up model for the guilty conscious propaganda. 

Matt was guilty about everything he's ever done. Maybe that's what makes it so easy to go out every night and get beaten to a pulp. He could just kill himself but that would only make him feel more guilty so instead he killed himself a little every night. You see it all started when he was born.

Born from a nun, he was her biggest shame, she hadn't wanted him. Raised by a father who couldn't raise him. Having a disability that made his father suffer even more. The constant dependence Matt had on others at the age was something that he tried not to think about too much. And then the ultimate nail in the coffin, getting his own father killed. Honestly what else could Matt be expected to grow up into?

Maybe if he hadn't met Stick things would have been different, maybe he could have gotten over it. Probably not. He was cursed by God. Maybe his life was Maggie's punishment. Maybe if he hadn't met Stick he would have simply excepted that he would feel guilty his entire life, but alas he did meet Stick. When Stick beat him down for not being good enough, didn't except can't, it made Matt feel like maybe, just maybe, the guilt would go away. He figured that's where the masochistic tendencies started. Stick probably thought that Matt had determination to succeed and be a fighter but deep down Matt knew that wasn't the truth, he was just a glutton for pain. Or maybe Stick did know and just didn't care.

Elecktra fueled the obsession. Elecktra was simply so bad for him, so utterly wrong, she always hurt him so much, but by god did it hurt so good. Everything about her was constant pain. Even the fun was never innocent there was something always just a little bit more sinister under the surface. Matt could never have nice girls like Karen, he couldn't just accept something good in his life like that eventually he would ruin it and then he would feel even more guilty. He needed Elecktra to hurt him, the more the better.

All his life Matt was looking for punishment. He had a sick fascination with it. Here he was going into law school, attending mass, and beating criminals at night. It took over his entire life. Was it the justice that intrigued him? No. It was the punishment, the pain of it all.

The only time Matt ever felt the guilt die down was when he bloody and beaten to a pulp and cleaning up Hell's Kitchen. Matt simply couldn't get relief unless blood stained his knuckles and his nose. Yet he still couldn't go too far. Matt knew it was ridiculous to even think it mattered yet he couldn't bring himself to do it. When Frank told Matt that he was one bad day away from the punisher Matt couldn't help but laugh internally. He couldn't ever be the punisher, if he had a bad day like Frank said, he'd probably just end up killing himself. But then well who would be there to beat up filthy criminals who hurt the actually good people of society. That's what it really was about, protecting the people who deserved to be free from fear, free from people like Wilson Fisk, and free from people like Matt. 

Most would look at Foggy and think that he was the exception to Matt's masochism, but in the end he was probably the ultimate stressor for it. Matt never really meant to become friends with Foggy, it just happened. How could he have stopped it? Foggy was just so... so good. Matt didn't deserve him. Matt had tried to get away from Foggy several times but it just, never seemed to stick. Foggy was always back eventually, no matter what. And it made Matt feel so guilty. Foggy was half the reason that Matt went out to get his face beat in every night. Foggy was too good for Matt. Matt didn't deserve good nice things. Matt didn't deserve warm hazy nights full of laughter, he deserved bloody noses and tears during confession. 

Every night when Matt went out guilt swelling in his heart for how much of a burden he was, how much he didn't deserve, all he could think and feel was red. His world was completely red. The only thing that Matt could still see were blotched red lights and shadows and Matt thought that it fit well. Matt's whole life was bundled up in red hot guilt. Red blood on his knuckles and dripping from his nose. A red suit, a red world, Karen's red lips, and yet underneath it all all Matt could look forward to was the next time he got beat so hard all he could feel was red pain. Pain so intense it blocked it all out, all the guilt was gone when he had been thoroughly punished for his wrongdoings

, Matthew was an addict and pain was his drug of choice

**Author's Note:**

> So, what did you think?


End file.
